


When the lights are dim and your hands are shaking as you're sliding off your dress

by SilkCut



Series: Experimental Pairings or AUs [4]
Category: Fate/Zero, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms, Fate/stay night (Visual Novel), Fate/stay night - All Media Types
Genre: Chronological Progression of Repressed Lust, F/M, Resolved Sexual Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, also angst, and playful banter, the pairing is your warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-22
Updated: 2016-08-01
Packaged: 2018-07-25 16:17:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7539424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilkCut/pseuds/SilkCut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of snapshots in Rin's life throughout the years, and Kirei as a constant shadow lurking in the frame.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Angel Taxidermy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [briewly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/briewly/gifts).
  * Translation into 中文 available: [当灯光昏暗，你双手颤抖着褪下衣裙](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8602675) by [BlindAuthor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlindAuthor/pseuds/BlindAuthor)



> This for my fellow KotoGil-er **Bree** at twitter ( _@kotomanly_ ) who also shares my love for Rin Tohsaka, especially since we both believe that Rin must have had a latent sexual attraction towards her fake-priest guardian all this time.

 

 

* * *

 

_I shot an angel with my father’s rifle. I should have set it free, but I let it bleed, made it into taxidermy, and hung it on my wall._

_I shot an angel, kept it in my backyard, hung it out to dry on the clothing line, pinned above my bed like the cross of Jesus Christ on the wall._

_I shot an angel, dragged it to my basement, starved it till it died and I did not cry . Sickness of poacher’s pride._

 

 **~ Poacher’s Pride** , Nicole Dollanganger

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

**+++**

 

Rin was eight years old.

Tokiomi Tohsaka was her father and a great mage. It was only natural he would take in an apprentice sooner or later.

Rin wished he didn’t have to be so bland and unsmiling though.

She had been playing with Sakura her sister that afternoon when Kirei, the apprentice, came by to pick up a package that her father wanted delivered to the Mage Association. Rin was playing roughly again and one wrong step caused her to trip and fall by some thorny bushes. Sakura started crying on her behalf while Rin tried to act more grown-up and refused to admit she was hurt.

Kirei had walked over her and inspected the two girls for a few moments before he bent down on one knee and ran a palm over Rin’s wounded leg. She winced at the contact and stared at his blank expression the entire time as she felt him heal her up.

Sakura was overjoyed. She smiled kindly and thanked Kirei. The apprentice said nothing and his expression was unchanged as he curtly nodded before standing up. Addressing Rin, he merely said, “You should be more careful, Rin-san. It’s unbecoming of a Tohsaka to be so reckless.”

Rin felt her cheeks burn as she gathered herself from the grass, eyeing the man angrily. She ended up shouting indignantly at him, “Don’t tell me what I can or cannot be! YOU’RE NOT MY DAD!”

Sakura was hiding behind her back and Rin stepped forward, finding her rage quite the effective anchor as she pointed at Kirei with an accusatory finger. “GO AWAY! I don’t need your help anyway! I could have taken care of it myself!”

Kirei’s eyes held no light or warmth in them. She was beginning to find that frightening but she swallowed whatever anxiety she had and shielded Sakura some more, “And why is someone from the Holy Church learning magecraft anyway? You’re either a fake mage or a fake priest! Which one are you!” She huffed then puffed her cheeks as she shouted at him: “YOU FAKER!”

“Nee-san, please!” Sakura whimpered behind her, clutching at the hem of her dress.

Kirei said nothing at all. His eyebrows were raised and he was looking down at Rin as if she was a new creature altogether that he couldn’t figure out. In retaliation to his neutral disregard of her person, Rin kicked him on the shin. Sakura was pulling her away now, but Rin gave Kirei another good kick on the other shin before she finally turned away and grabbed Sakura’s hand so they can leave the creepy man behind.

Rin was eight years old. Her father was a great mage and he had taken in an apprentice named Kirei.

She knew even then that she will never _ever_ get along with him.

 

 

 

**+++**

 

A week later her father the great mage gave Sakura away.

Rin was very mature about it. She has to be—she’s going to be the head of the Tohsaka family one day.

She gave her sister a parting gift, a simple pink ribbon she made herself to remember her by.

Kirei stood beside her as they all watched Sakura being driven away by someone from the Matou household. Her parents went inside first and didn’t say a word when Rin just stood there by the sidewalk, still looking forlornly at the road even after the car had turned to a corner and Sakura was gone. She stood there with her fists clenched, unaware for a whole minute that Kirei stayed behind until she turned her head and he was just there.

“Why are you here?” she demanded, blinking through the tears she told herself were just moisture from the gleam of the sunlight on her face.

Kirei didn’t even look at her as he said, “Great things are expected from you, so don’t let the memory of your sister weigh down your future.”

“Shut up!” she shouted, raising her balled fists as if she was ready to fight him. “You don’t know that! Sakura and I will see each other again and we’re going to be great mages someday, just like father! So you shut your mouth, you fake priest!” She wanted to kick him again but restrained herself at the last moment. Mustering that self-control was hard but Rin managed to walk away from him without any further embarrassing display.

That night her father and mother visited her room. They explained to her that Sakura is now officially a Matou, and so her image had to be removed from all their family portraits around the mansion. Rin nodded solemnly and understood that it might be too painful for them as much as it is for her to have any traces of her little sister still linger in their home. The next day it was as if Rin had always been an only child.

Neither parent ever had the heart to clearly state what Rin had suspected all along. It was Kirei who did.

Kirei was the one who found her by the thorny bushes again that afternoon. She was ripping the plants out with her hands until they bled. Rin didn’t care then because something much heavier was pushing at her chest and she needed to hurt something— _anything_. Kirei had bent down behind her, reaching for her arms until he enveloped his larger hands around hers.

He told her in a hushed tone, “You need to forget about her, let alone ever loved her.”

Rin’s eyes watered. His despicable tone while he said something so cruel was so dry and devoid of any kindness that she decided right there and then that she should hurt _him_. She whirled around violently from his grasp, and tried to punch him. He caught her hands easily and told her to stay still so he can administer proper care on her injured fingers.

“Maybe I don’t ever want to be healed!” she insisted, trying to pry him off. “Maybe I’d be—maybe I’d be broken forever!” she choked out the words, sobbing uncontrollably before she even realized what she was saying.

And Kirei said nothing. There were no words of comfort he was ever capable of saying to her. He merely applied healing magic on her hands and then let them go. Rin found herself reaching out for his hands again though, and she squeezed them with all her strength, hoping she could break his fingers so he will know what it felt like to be her in that moment. Kirei remained kneeling down before Rin for a few more agonizing minutes as she cried. “D-Don’t tell any—anyone!” she choked out with eyes shut tightly.

Kirei was silent, but he eventually said, “No more tears, Rin-san.”

“Shut up, you faker, you stupid face…” Rin wrenched her hands free around his and wiped her tears away with them. Looking back at him, she muttered, “I will hate you forever!”

And Kirei just nodded before he stood up and asked, “Can you hate me inside your house at least? It’s going to rain.”

He outstretched a hand towards her. Again, his expression barely changed. He looked _curious_ as oppose to sympathetic as if her breakdown earlier was a source of amusement. Rin was unnerved by everything about this man, and could not understand what her father the great mage ever saw in him. Rin didn’t take Kirei’s hand anymore. Instead, she started walking ahead of him, stomping her feet slightly for emphasis.

She was determined to make sure that the apprentice will not catch her with her guard down next time.

 

 

 

**+++**

 

Rin remembered the night Kirei ceased addressing her in a pandering formal way. He dropped the honorific unexpectedly when he referred to her during an exchange, and so casually at that. It happened during a dinner with her parents, and she got so flustered about it that she paused eating altogether. That would have been the end of that, but her mother—always with the kind smile and good intentions—turned what should have been a trivial ordeal into a disaster when she remarked upon Rin’s shady silence and refusal to make eye contact.

“Look, dear,” Her mother told her father. There was a twinkle in her eye as she smiled at Rin. “Our little girl is blushing. Could it be because Kirei-san has finally warmed up and now they’re getting along? I think it’s about time they do.”

“Mother!” Rin protested aloud with hands already balled into fists, not caring to even look at Kirei who was sitting across her, afraid to see yet another bland reaction from his stupid face. She suddenly felt like reaching for her fork and maybe even stab her hand if that is what it would take for her to be excused from the table and not engage in this stupid conversation!

“Aoi, don’t embarrass her,” her father came to her rescue instantly as he gently dabbed his lips with the napkin. “And don’t shout during meals, Rin.” His tone was hardly scolding, however, as he met her eyes from the farther side of the table.

Rin just looked down on her half-empty plate and meekly nodded her head with an apology, “Sorry, father. Sorry, mother.”

Her mother started to pick up the conversation again, “So, Kirei-san, how are you enjoying your stay here in Japan? I was told that you were raised in Italy all your life. Is this the first time you’ve ever been here in the country then?”

“Not at all,” Kirei answered in that same dull voice that never failed to get on her nerves. Rin looked up now, but she just watched him slice his beef instead of staring directly at him. “I’ve been here before during a few visits with missionary work.”

“Missionary work?” her father inquired. “When were you ordained as a priest again?”

“I received my holy orders as soon as my wife passed away,” Kirei explained. “But I had joined my father for missionary work here prior to that.”

Unable to stop herself, Rin perked up with some interest and blurted out, “Kirei was married?!”

Her mother was shaking her head with a small smile, “Rin, don’t just interrupt a conversation.”

“Sorry,” Rin hastily replied as she gave Kirei a sour look. _Who would marry him?_

The apprentice seemed unfazed by her stare but he met it nonetheless with something akin to amusement in his eyes again.

 

 

**+++**

 

The burial felt like it was happening to someone else’s family and the grief stopped being hers after a while. Rin stood next to Kirei with her eyes not focused on the scenery before her; she was hardly paying attention to whatever biblical scripture he was spouting.

There was a drizzle, and everyone else had umbrellas out except the two of them. Rin was cold but she had gotten used to it by now. The water from the sky sprinkled on the gravestones and for a moment Rin imagined that the things that rot below ground can begin sprouting out flowers any moment now. She was once told that more grass and trees flourish in cemeteries than anywhere else.

Rin’s arm where pieces of the crest are embedded into her magic circuits was wrapped in loose bandages. Kirei had administered the implantation himself just four days ago, and he had been thorough and meticulous about it. The operation of course throbbed in every painful way but it was also a welcome relief for it somewhat filled the gaping hole where love and light were drained from.

“That was an excellent debut for the new head of the Tohsaka family, Rin.”

She couldn’t help but sulk when she heard his voice above her. He sounded so pleased. It was out-of-place during such a bleak event.

Her mother was wheeled into view, rambling about nostalgia of days gone which Rin quickly tuned out with a polite remark as she gestured at the help to push her mother’s wheelchair towards the grave where her beloved lay. She looked happy at least, blissful in her brokenness. Rin envied that, as awful as it sounded. When she looked at Kirei once more, he was saying something to her again.

“There is something you should have,” he held what looked like a long object wrapped in faded bandages. “It belonged to your father.”

Rin found her hands reaching for it without being aware. Kirei droned on, “As the new head of the Tohsakas, it seemed befitting that you now own something this precious to your father. It’s something that I think he would have given to you himself on your eighteenth birthday when you become an official adult mage.” A pause. “I want to honor that in his memory, as you should as well.”

“This…” Rin muttered, her voice barely audible even to herself, “…was from Father?”

She unsheathed the elegant small sword as Kirei announced. “It’s an Azoth dagger, forged in your father’s own magic.”

Rin kept admiring it, ignoring Kirei, until her tears sprinkled across the blade, making them shimmer in beautiful defiance.

 

 

 

 

**+++**

 

Rin was turning ten years old next week.

She didn’t look forward to it.

Her birthdays used to be one of her favorite things too. Father would allow her and Sakura to stay by his side as he performed jewel magecraft at his private study. He would shape the jewels into ornaments they could keep for themselves. Mother would bake blueberry cheesecake and then play the piano afterwards while Rin and Sakura sang along. Rin would always get books as gifts which she loved very much, and she would read to Sakura the complicated words her younger sister doesn’t know how to pronounce yet, and Rin would tell her their meanings and then help her spell them out on their notebooks. They would sit by the fireplace, crayons and pencils all around them as they learned things together.

There would be none of that next week.

Father is dead. Mother is hospitalized yet again for another routine check-up.

And Sakura is a stranger who is never coming back.

 

 

 

**+++**

 

Rin was now ten years old.

She got home from school that day and there was a generic cake waiting for her by the dining room. Rin didn’t even tell Kirei about the occasion, so she was sort of pissed off that he found out about it anyway. And the nerve on him for buying this cake just half an hour earlier before she got home! Rin knew this was the case because she happened to look at the receipt which had the time stamp.

Knowing the fake priest, he probably didn’t even care enough to throw it away.

Kirei also unceremoniously stuck the small, plain candlestick in the middle of the cake and used a lighter. His overall countenance was about as festive as the store-bought cake before them. It lacked any kind of dedication or floral designs, but hey, at least it was chocolate.

“Make a wish.” The fake priest said it in a way as if he was also implying she should hurry.

After she blew out the candle, she muttered a grumpy, “thanks,” and started walking out of the dining room, not even bothering to sample a slice of his last-minute, sympathy cake. But then Kirei called out to her, asking, “What did you wish for, Rin?”

She said nothing and climbed up the stairs to her room.

The truth was that she wished that she’d grow up quicker.

Maybe by becoming an adult _everything_ would start hurting less.

 

 

 

**+++**

 

She was twelve when she got her period.

Rin was more than familiar by now how puberty works, but she didn’t think it would come this soon, though.

It happened on a weekend, during an ordinary Sunday morning when she woke up feeling rather sticky between her legs. As soon as she sat up to inspect what it could have been, she immediately saw the red droplets scattered across her sheets. In a daze even though her mind could have easily processed what should be done next, Rin ended up calling out Kirei’s name a few times. Ever since he took over the practical matters of her family’s estate and assumed guardianship over her, he had been staying at the mansion, on the first floor where the guest rooms are. Rin tried to stand up but was overcome by a dizziness she can’t explain that she wobbled all the way to her dresser.

She was already near the door when the knob turned and Kirei came in without so much as a knock. She wanted to throw something sharp at him then for this invasion of privacy but recalled that her voice must have sounded panicked earlier when she called for him.

Without another word, Kirei rushed to her side and asked, “Where does it hurt?”

As usual, there was no trace of real concern in his voice, just a measured tone of professional inquiry. Rin was grateful for it for this situation because she was able to answer him just as calmly, “My menstruation has started. I need some sanitary napkins.”

To her horrified shock, Kirei answered. “I stacked them in one of the higher drawers in your bathroom last year.”

She had to raise her eyes to meet his now, feeling so embarrassed and irritated that he would make that kind of effort for something so personal to her. It was truly a violation of _something_ which she did not have a name for but it was still valid.

“Last year?” she scolded him with a light punch to his arm, “What the hell, Kirei? Why would you even do that?”

“I wanted to be prepared,” Kirei tried to help her sit down but Rin pushed his hand away and climbed up a chair by herself.

“Fine,” she replied, “Then go fetch them!”

“I don’t think so,” he only said, “You should wash yourself in the bathroom too, don’t you think?”

Of course she knew that. She should be getting up again, but the dizziness has yet to leave. Kirei can’t know about that.

But he did. With a quiet, “Please excuse me,” Kirei proceeded to bundle her up in his arms and carried her outside the room.

“What the hell!” she shrieked and wanted to pound at his face with her fists.

“You’re unwell,” he merely stated, pulling her much closer than what was necessary.

Rin was going to open her mouth to argue again, to insult him and call him names, but she realized that it’s pointless and immature to act so contrary just because of her negative bias towards him. The fact of the matter is that she was indeed feeling unwell. She was indeed uncertain of how to go about this new ordeal. Right now—and maybe even for the rest of her life—Kirei was going to be around her in every step of the way because she was his obligation. Kirei was her late father’s only apprentice and now her official guardian.

He was the only adult in her life, and she was alone.

She was alone and bleeding between her legs. It was a natural process for a female, but it still scared her.

It was a foolish feeling. Why would a Tohsaka be scared of a little blood, and her own at that?

Rin tightened her arms around Kirei’s neck and buried her face on his shoulder. She was trying to find some comfort in this closeness but he was distant to her in ways she knew she could never figure out. It was why she itched to get rid of him from the moment they met. Now that she’s older Rin understood it was because he _frightened_ her for being so unknowable.

Kirei had carried her in silence all the way to the bathroom. He didn’t put her down at all as he rummaged through the drawers to retrieve the sanitary napkin. Once he got it, he finally let her down. The tiles were cold on her bare feet and Rin winced in spite of herself.

Looking down on her, Kirei asked, “Do you want me to help you wash up?”

“Why would I ever want that? Why would I ever want you touching me!” she raised her voice but couldn’t meet his gaze.

“Suit yourself, Rin,” his tone was gratingly conversational now. “I’ll handle your sheets. Go ahead and get started.”

There was a weight on her head all of a sudden and then Kirei closed the door behind him.

Rin placed a shaky hand on top of her head where Kirei had just touched her. The ebbing flow of the blood between her legs made her even more aware of her changing body. It was so visceral, much like that gentle touch of hand from Kirei—and the nearness of his body around her as he held her moments ago. It was such a disgusting realization that she wanted to throw up.

Scowling instead, she glanced at the door and shouted, “You idiot! Don’t tell me what to do!”

It was an attempt to impose boundaries because Rin could feel that the gap between them was slowly closing in.

 

 

 

**+++**

 

Kirei was fixing dinner for the both of them which he had done on occasion when Rin was tired of heating up microwave-friendly, grocery-bought bento boxes. It was summer and Rin was fourteen. The humidity was like an adhesive in her pores, so difficult to scrub off no matter how many times she bathed on that day alone. The night time somewhat alleviated the heat, but Rin still wore a sleeveless beige shirt whose fabric was thin enough to outline the shapely contours of her developing breasts. She had a black sports bra underneath anyway which was very comfortable for her than any of the flimsily designed brassier the salesladies had pushed her to purchase instead.

Remembering her first trip to the shop a year ago to buy undergarments was an annoyance because Kirei had been there too, like a silent guard dog who never smiled once even as the salesladies warmly tried to chat him up. He wasn’t wearing priestly robes that day, and Rin supposed he wasn’t exactly ugly. He was taller than most men and well-built because of his martial arts training. Kirei also had an air of mystery about him which women might find irresistible. Rin wished she didn’t have to witness said women flirt with him though. It was weird and stupid to watch.

Rin sat up from the sofa in the living room and shouted for Kirei at the kitchen, since she was growing impatient and hungry by now.

The dinner was fine. It was no feast since Kirei was not an adventurous chef yet he was still a decent one who prepared enough for the two of them tonight. He barely came home in the last few months, most probably because he was preoccupied with clerical duties since he had inherited the church on top of the hill; the designated neutral zone for mages and the Church assembly. Rin had no peers at school because allowing anyone to get close to her would be too risky, so she had gotten fairly used to the solitude her own mage duties provided.

Their conversation tonight was minimal at best—not that they ever had anything to talk about as people anyway. Tonight he simply told her that she needed to start training physically and not just stay cooped up in her father’s office to hone her magecraft. Kirei offered then to teach her some fundamentals of Baijiquan which Rin seriously considered because that could definitely aid her in fighting the other masters for the Holy Grail War in case she ever needed to face one who knows hand-to-hand combat.

Rin stared at the glass of water before her as she tested that phrase again in her mind—the _Holy Grail War_.

It was the one thing she had been preparing for; the ultimate battle among magi which claimed her father’s life.

She was ambivalent to it, in all honesty, but Rin was like that with most things anyway. Her one true passion was studying, however; there was so much pleasure and enjoyment to be had with intellectual pursuit and stimulation which kept Rin company instead or real people and relationships. If she ever felt pitiful about that once she probably would have never been aware because Rin was driven and ambitious in her own way, molded to be a top-tier mage and wanted to be everything this family sought to preserve.

Rin was her father’s daughter after all. She will not give in to common loneliness.

It wasn’t her privilege to succumb to such ordinary emotions.

“By the way,” Kirei spoke up, interrupting her flow of thoughts. He drank his glass of water first before he went on, “I stopped by the nursing home today. I regret to inform you that your mother has passed away this morning.”

Rin’s face hardly registered anything. The first thing she inquired about was, “And why didn’t you lead with that then?”

“Should I have had?” Kirei sounded genuinely curious.

“Well, it’s a vital piece of news,” Rin replied, so accustomed to his casual callousness by now.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” Kirei remarked as he scooped up the last piece of fish and rice with his spoon.

Gritting her teeth, she answered him, “No. You’re not.”

Kirei blinked at her. And then: “You’ve never liked me, have you?”

“That already goes without saying,” she said.

Nodding his head, Kirei placed down his utensils to the side of the plate and rested his elbows on the table.

He explained, “You’re becoming a lady now, Rin, and very fixed in your ways. If I was ever an insecure man, I would try anything to earn your confidence as if my own self-worth depended on it.” A chuckle now, “But it’s not. I don’t care about whether you like me or not. You live under my guardianship and therefore are subjected to my rules. There is nothing you can do about that, at least until you reach legal age. What I do require are your respect and honesty at all times. If you always cooperate with me then things will go smoothly between us.”

Rin was quiet, processing his words without feeling any emotion about it.

“I will make the necessary funeral arrangements,” Kirei added. He paused to finish his food, leisurely chewed it before swallowing. “Don’t stay up too late at your father’s office. You need substantial hours of sleep to maintain your health. Now finish your food, Rin, so I can wash the plates.”

“Are you staying here for tonight?” she had to ask as she began slicing her food again.

“I don’t have to,” he remarked, “unless you ask it of me.”

Rin narrowed her eyes. “What makes you think I would need you around right now?”

“Your mother is dead,” he stated so dryly as if the truth of it bore no kind of weight.

“And so was my father, remember?” Rin countered. “I’ve made my peace about his death long ago, and that includes my mother’s condition. I knew that sooner or later she will perish. Her health hasn’t gotten better over the years, and all that money we put in for her stay at the nursing home was simply to make her comfortable before what was already inevitable will come to pass. And it had. That’s all.”

She can’t believe that her words came out so clinical, as if she wasn’t talking about someone she loved.

Kirei looked _impressed_ by her logical answer. Of course he would be. She sounded just like him now. It made her angry but she contained that anger and shoved it down so deep she can’t even recognize it as her own anymore. She offered him a cold smile as she remarked, “Thank you for the offer about making the funeral arrangements. If there is anything that I can contribute myself, please let me know, Kirei.”

She didn’t wait for a response as she gulped down the last of her food, drank the water, and then pushed her chair from the table so she can stand up and take her leave. Before she went, she managed to sound somewhat cheerful when she offered, “And you’re more than welcome to stay here tonight, Kirei. I don’t want you getting lonely. Even I’m not that heartless.”

When she reached the stairs, each step felt as if her feet were sinking into quicksand, but she made it all the way to her room.

Rin locked the door and squeezed on the knob so hard that her fingers were going numb.

 _My mother is finally dead_ , she thought, strangely disconnected from it.

Grief was universal. Even mages are allowed to feel it, right?

 

 

 

**+++**

 

Rin found herself actually looking forward to the grueling physical training Kirei had been putting her through for a whole month now. Why wouldn’t she? It was the only time she could take all the aggression and hostility she felt towards him over the years and punch him for as hard and as long as her body could handle it. It was a maddeningly exhilarating feeling! She could go on for hours just fighting him.

Kirei was tougher than she had ever imagined, and his ability to withstand the difficult levels of his self-imposed regimen might actually kill someone weaker than him, or at least someone who did not posses the right frame of mind to train the way he does. Rin almost found it admirable but she also recognized it as needlessly dangerous. She made a point to give him a piece of her mind while they were standing together by the riverbank, rinsing the sweat and dirt from their overwrought bodies.

Kirei gave her a mild look of condescension as he said, “I’m touched, Rin. I didn’t know you cared about me this much.”

Rin wanted to kick him in the head but the muscles of her legs wouldn’t obey. She merely tried to hit him with the force of her towel as she shot back, “We’re supposed to be looking out after each other, right? So don’t make such a big deal about it, you jerk!”

They jogged back to the mansion, much to her dismay, but she made it alive just in time before she almost collapsed into the empty bathtub of her room. She stripped off and willed her body to climb inside the tub fully as she turned on the faucet, setting the water to hot. She lay there staring at the ceiling as she tried to catch her breath. Afterwards Rin scrubbed herself clean, careful not to move around too much, but after she had cleansed herself and was now drying her hair using a towel, she felt very much revitalized. She felt really good. Sure, her muscles ached and she could probably fall asleep right now, but Rin nevertheless felt very productive today. She supposed she owed Kirei for the strenuous yet helpful physical activities. But never mind; it’s not as if she planned on thanking him about it.

It was a Saturday and she had finished all her homework from school since last night, so there was really nothing to do this afternoon. She could craft new jewels to store mana in, but Rin was still reeling from the exercise earlier, so she decided to hang around the living room for a while. She picked up a random book from the shelves and perused through the pages as she lay on the sofa comfortably.

Kirei walked by without any shirt on, but there was a towel around his shoulders and his hair was wet. Rin ignored him taking a seat on the couch across her. After some time she found herself peering at him curiously, and noticed the scar on his chest. The shape was jagged, like some kind of a horrific product of a botched surgery, and it definitely went deeper than one layer of skin. Rin frowned and couldn’t help but ask, “What the hell happened there?” she pointed at his chest. "Some sort of freak accident?"

“Something like that,” Kirei commented tersely.

Rin was unconvinced but she didn’t press on. Kirei moved to face the other side as he dried his hair, exposing half of his back to her in the process. Her attention was caught by the fact that his back was in an even worse condition than the front; it was peppered with more scars, different kinds of laceration, varying in depth and size. She gasped out and instantly sat up, blinking hard as she said, “Where did you get all of those?!”

Rin had stood up and approached him without any hesitation, and now she was standing over him while her hands roamed so freely across his back as if she had done it many times before. Later on, she would blame this easy physicality between them because of a certain familiarity that had developed since she started training with him. It made Rin aware of his body that doesn’t make her ashamed about it at all.

And Kirei barely reacted to her touch either.

He didn’t even turn around. “They’re old wounds, Rin. It’s nothing to be alarmed about.”

“Are you some kind of a masochist?” she still sounded frazzled. “Why didn’t you just heal yourself before any scarring happened?”

The fake priest chuckled before he slowly turned around to meet her imposing stare. With a smirk, he remarked. “Maybe I don’t want to be healed.” Whispering it now, he added, “Maybe I’d be broken forever.”

Rin’s eyes widened. That phrase was intentional; he knew it would have an effect on her since she had uttered the same thing once.

All the long years she had to put up with him finally boiled in the surface. Her hatred of him was so palpable in this moment that she can bear it no longer. Kirei sat there, eyeing her with all the smugness in the world as if he was unaware that by provoking her he had just placed himself in a vulnerable state. Nobody—especially him—should underestimate her. Now is her chance to prove that. He couldn’t have known that her reaction would be so far off-base, however. She certainly didn’t either.

She could have just cursed at him again; called him with yet another unoriginal insult. Instead, Rin cupped his cheeks as if she was going to rip his face apart—then dipped down her head to press their lips against each other.

It was not a kiss—she was adamant about him not misunderstanding that. A kiss was supposed to be heartfelt and meaningful. One was supposed to bequeathe it on someone he or she cares about. It was an expression of love between people who are intimate.

Rin had felt a thousand different things for Kirei over the years; this toxic concoction of revulsion, incredulity and despair. None of it could be love.

She pulled away without another word and then took a step back, eyes focused on Kirei’s the entire time.

He was rendered speechless and looked almost as if he was beginning to fear her at last. It was a nice look on him. Rin wished she could take a photo of it and burn it in her mind’s view. She had no idea how long they stayed frozen like that but Kirei was the first one to say something, and even then it was hardly important. Rin had moved closer again until Kirei’s hands reached for her throat, using that to yank her down until her lips were bruised and sore against his again. They fumbled awkwardly for a while as Rin struggled to fit into the couch. She barely even got into a comfortable position when she suddenly forced Kirei’s hand down the waistband of her sweatpants, and the man obliged and began moving his fingers inside the one place she had never imagined she would even let him get acquainted with.

She gasped as the foreign sensation of someone else’s fingers moved almost roughly inside her. But she was already drenched and ready so it wasn’t painful at all. Growing very impatient now, Rin twisted her hips so she can rest the weight of her back against Kirei since she had to pull down the rest of her sweatpants and panties out of the way. When she turned her body to face him again, she also burrowed her knees on either side of him in the couch. Kirei’s eyes looked less dead than they usually are. For a moment he looked present and even interested in the very thing she was curious to try right now—even if had to be with him. Who else is there?

Rin was turning fifteen that month. She was going to be a top-tier mage, molded into the grace and perfection her family had sought to preserve. She is their last living heir. Rin had no friends but her studies and pursuits were all the company she needed anyway. Besides, mages do not have the privilege to succumb to ordinary emotions; form common relationships.

But lust was universal. She is still allowed to explore that too, right?

“This wouldn’t change a damn thing about you and I,” she muttered against his ear as she began unzipping his pants. “I will still hate you forever.”

Kirei laughed. She had never heard him laugh like that. It was almost deadly, but she was not terrified.

With a sneer, Kirei commented, almost as if he was being conciliatory. “I hope you do—even while we’re having sex.”

Rin narrowed her eyes as her hand gripped the base of his erection as if this wasn’t the first time she held a man like this, when it really was the case. But she can do this. She read enough books about it. She’s a Tohsaka, and she had never met a challenge she ever backed down from.

Mustering all her courage, she declared, “How dare you imply that I’m sloppy. You know damn well I can multitask.”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 


	2. Cruel Games

 

 

* * *

 

_Born a cop in uniform in black vinyl gloves, I don’t hate you for your steel-toed boots or your handcuffs. You are the way you always were._

_You like your cruel games but I am not so quick to break. I count my gain in blood & pain._

_I like it when it hurts like hell. There’s nothing you can do to me I wouldn’t do to myself._

_I’ll be bound to you in leather & chains. I’ll be your sister, your young bride, your daughter, your slave._

**~ Mean** , Nicole Dollanganger

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

  **+++**  

 

Freshly menstruating, Rin was emboldened by the first surge of puberty and started reading books that could enhance her intellectual acuity. She was twelve years old and a precocious learner for as long as she could remember. She would consume anything from pages of any book; preferably those that have worthwhile knowledge on certain subjects that could mold her to become an astute individual with a varied skill set. Even more than growing up, Rin wanted to be respectable and dignified, much like her namesake. She was the only Tohsaka left, and wasn’t tethered to anyone, bound only by her self-importance, even at twelve. It was her armor.

Kirei still lived with her but mostly kept to himself in the guest room or kitchen where he’d prepare her meals. He fed her something with too much spices one time, but instead of complaining, Rin pretended to heartily eat it. Pretty soon she actually learned to enjoy that callous burn in her tongue. It was brutal yet nothing she couldn’t handle. Kirei obviously thought it would fraught her to eat something spicy and painful on the taste buds, but Rin will always be full of surprises. She has come to accept that Kirei was the only adult in her life. Rin absolutely hated it, but she would honor her father’s wishes and allow herself to be taught and disciplined by the fake priest every now and then.

She only has to wait for another six years before she turns eighteen. Kirei had sworn he’d move out and allow her to be independent.

For the next two months, Rin’s studies on magecraft involved Kirei’s tutelage which was both gratingly helpful at times and thoroughly frustrating on other times. Kirei was no fully-educated mage, but his wide scope on magecraft was impressive in spite not having mastery on any field. Rin concluded he really only had a passing interest, and may have just responded to parental pressure.

Rin surmised all by herself that Kirei’s father may have been strict and imposing. This theory was supported by what she uncovered during her secret research on Kirei’s school records in the Theological College of Manresa St Ignacio (which she procured through simple resourcefulness; ergo, knowing who to talk to and how to convince them to give her information).

Kirei was an exemplary student—top of his class, member of a sports team, student council president. The Church already had their sights on him even before he graduated, and he joined the Assembly of the Eight Sacrament as soon as he did.

She didn’t know what that Assembly was supposed to be for a while until she eventually did figure it out. But finding out that her guardian and father’s former apprentice was a mage-killer hardly raised any eyebrows, especially not hers. The Church had always condemned mages as heretics, and had a lot of difficult strife with them for centuries until the formation of the Mage Association. It was only then that both sides decided to engage more in office politics than actual bloodshed—not that it doesn’t happen anymore; Rin knew for sure that the Assembly of the Eight Sacrament still lived on, and their mage assassinations would be carried out more secretly at this point.

Rin laid awake one night wondering where Kirei’s loyalty truly lay. Kirei was already a candidate to become an Executor by the time he was ten, two years younger than Rin was now. Has he truly abandoned that path after becoming Tokiomi Tohsaka’s apprentice? Kirei explained to her only a week ago that he was going to be ordained as an official parish priest soon, and may take over the church on top of the hill since it was his late father’s abode. How can a man serve two masters at once then, especially when said masters—the church elite and the mages—were known enemies? Rin would then be plagued of weird images of Kirei stalking into her room one night to kill her. What method would he employ to dispose of her then? Would he take pity on her youth and suffocate her by pressing a pillow on her face? Or would he not care and make her murder as gruesome as possible, maybe through multiple stab wounds and the like?

She didn’t know why she would entertain such macabre and grim thoughts at night—and why they helped her sleep better at that. Shouldn’t she worry, living under the same roof as a killer who targets mages? A rational part of Rin had won over that argument, it seemed. If Kirei wanted her dead, he would have found a way already. There are so many simpler ways—such as poisoning her meals in small dosages.

With that suspicion crossing her mind, Rin made a mental note to take a sample of her breakfast tomorrow and perform some quick chemistry test at her father’s study to hopefully disprove her paranoia. Just in case.

 

 

 

 **+++**  

 

The sex education class in Rin’s school was inadequate. Aside from menstruation and ejaculation, the actual lessons on coitus itself were vague at best, and it annoyed Rin enough that she went to the National Library with Kirei accompanying her just so she can find the right books about it. Rin knew her body is undergoing changes, and it’d be neglectful and uncharacteristic of her if she didn’t study it as rigorously as she had with other subjects. Sex should be like any educational endeavor, and Rin strives to fully understanding it.

Kirei looked through the titles of the six books she picked up before going to the librarian’s counter; not because she needed his approval of her reading material, but more likely because he was curious. If there was one thing Rin would consider a positive quality about the fake priest, it's that he never got in the way of her education. So Kirei looked at the titles with amusement gleaming in his eyes. Three of them were scientific textbooks, two were erotic fiction, and one was exclusively about the female gender and its representation in media.

He let out a chuckle when he got to the last one, “You sure are enthusiastic about learning everything you can about being a young woman.”

Rin scoffed and grabbed the book from him. “And weren’t you, when you were my age?”

Kirei raised an eyebrow, “Curious about the female gender when I was twelve, you mean? I suppose I was, like any normal boy.”

She imagined Kirei as a schoolboy in a religious environment, fooling around with his classmates as they talk about girls from a nearby boarding school. She imagined him talking to a girl and trying to impress her, make her laugh or blush with a sly compliment. Or would he be tongue-tied and unable to make eye contact? Somehow the mental image of Kirei actually doing any of those things mentioned was just inconceivable. The fantasy of a young Kirei discovering love and courting a girl just wouldn’t hold.

With some vehemence, Rin snapped at him under her breath, proclaiming, “You’re not normal!”

The fake priest’s eyes widened an inch before he smiled in that disconcerting way he does. He had no warmth whatsoever while other people’s features would soften when they smile. That never happened to Kirei, and it had always bothered Rin. She didn’t care to wait for his response but she heard it just in time she started walking away from him, carrying all six books even if they were too heavy for her arms.

He said, “Not normal? Then neither are you, Rin.”

She couldn’t explain, and refused to contemplate about it later on, why those words hurt and made her cheeks flush with guilt.

 

 

 

 **+++**  

 

A week and a half passed before Kirei decided to teach her about the method of mana transfer in magecraft.

Rin knew he made the lesson coincide perfectly with her current interest in the subject of sex. She had just gone through all six books since she had to return them two days from now. Rin took down notes dutifully from the science textbooks. Meanwhile, she enjoyed the erotic literature to a certain degree that made her body uncomfortable like her skin was too tight on her body (she knew it must have been her first exposure to lust, and that was when Rin tried masturbating for the first time). Lastly, she was baffled yet engrossed by the book about media representation of the female gender. That was certainly a challenging yet eye-opening read.

The fake priest didn’t use any visuals as he explained the mana transfer (in the aftermath of the discussion, Rin was actually thankful of that), but first he gauged her present knowledge about the ‘sensitive topic of sex’. That’s exactly how he put it.

She chuckled at that, “Of course your viewpoint of sex would have religious overtones,” she said.

Kirei cocked his head slightly to the side. “And you don’t think it should have?”

“I’m not Catholic. I can honestly say I may even be an atheist,” she explained to him. “And the way you phrased sex like that—a ‘sensitive topic’—did you describe it in such a way for my benefit? Because of my age? And the fact that I’m a female? To me it sounds as if the only sensitive thing about sex is your possible preconceived chauvinist notions about the fact that a girl my age—or just the mere fact that I’m a girl—automatically means I’m not allowed to hear about sex, let alone talk about it, deeming my own person to be too ‘sensitive’ about the subject of sex, according to your standards as a man and a religious figure. Am I right to make these assumptions, Kirei?”

He stared at her for few seconds before he laughed. It was the first time his smile touched his eyes. Rin almost wanted to look away.

“Brilliant assertions,” he only said. “I’m pleased you’re forming opinions of your own although they’re still based on the insights of the authors whom you’ve been reading. But you’re only twelve, and there is still time. For now, I’m just relieved to know you’re making most of your free time at home by studying in advance. It’s actually making my job easier as your stand-in parent.”

“Don’t ever refer yourself as that!” Rin made a sour face which Kirei received good-humoredly with another creepy smile.

They were sitting across each other on her father’s desk in his private study. Rin was still too short for her father’s chair so she let Kirei take it while she sat on another chair with more comfortable armrest. She had prepared a notebook when he informed her that he would divulge more magecraft lessons for her benefit that afternoon. Rin tried not to seem eager but upon hearing that it would be about mana transfer, she was anxious to start jotting down notes. The first thing Kirei said was, “The mana transfer that mages use is connected with sex.”

That alone deepened Rin’s interest so she couldn’t help but already ask, “Mana can be transferred through sexual congress?”

And that was when Kirei ruined their momentum by labelling sex as a ‘sensitive topic’, and trying to find out what she knew about it so far.

“I know how sex works,” she dismissively answered while crossing her arms before him. “A man gets an erection of the penis and then he penetrates the woman’s vagina with that penis. He would ejaculate semen inside her which contained sperm cells that would then bond with her egg cells in order for an offspring to be produced. This is how a woman gets pregnant. She would carry that baby to term for nine months,” Rin paused and then added, “Sex isn’t solely for procreation even if your Bible says it should only be for that purpose. It’s enjoyed as a way to bond intimately with another person. To avoid parenting an offspring if a couple is not ready, there is a matter of birth control and contraception. A man wears a condom, or a woman takes pill. If she gets pregnant by accident due to unprotected sex, there is the matter of abortion where the unwanted pregnancy is terminated. This is something your religion is against, isn’t it?”

Glaring at Kirei now after she finished explaining, “Now how does sex relate to mana transfer? Do you mean to say that mages can transfer their magical energy through the bodily exchange of fluids during sex—“ she cut herself short when she realized that _that_ ’ _s_ exactly how it goes. Silently, she muttered an “oh,” as she lowered her gaze to the desk. Why is she getting embarrassed now?

Kirei just nodded without missing a beat. Leaning on his elbows on the desk, he explained further, “Mana transfer is always essential for a master-servant contract during a Holy Grail War. You belong to a strong lineage so when you have made a contract with a heroic spirit, you can fairly sustain him with your magic, but only a magus who has a weaker magical energy may be unable to maintain his servant’s physical form unless there is a concrete exchange of energy between them. This infusion can be accomplished through sexual congress.”

Rin said nothing for a while. She understood quickly what that meant. “So if in a pinch, I can just have sex with my servant to sustain his form.”

“In case you were depleted by your magical energy, yes.”

They stared at each other. And then she remarked. “You were married once.”

Kirei looked taken aback when she said that, but he managed to reply, “I was. It was a long time ago.”

“What happened? Did you get annulled?”

“I remember this was brought up once in your presence. I also remember that I mentioned she passed away.”

Rin sighed. “Right. That slipped my mind, sorry.” A pause. “How did she die?”

He leaned back on her father’s chair and looked as if he didn’t want to answer the question at first, but then he obliged her. “She was very sick. Well—she’s been sick all her life, actually. She has a rare condition that compromised her immune system. It had been extremely difficult for her and she had to be wheeled around.”

 _Like my mother now_. “And yet you still married her?” Rin can’t help but feel in awe of that. “Did—did you love her that much?”

She knew how foolish the question was the moment she uttered it, mostly because it was Kirei and she was damn sure he had never loved anyone—but why marry a sickly woman? Out of compassion because of his Christian background? No, Kirei was never particularly a pious man, no matter how much other people think he is because of his role as a priest. He studied magecraft for years which was against his religious doctrine. He killed mages because of said religious doctrine too. For all intents and purposes, her guardian is a paradox, but every action he committed had some kind of logic behind it. Somehow Rin can’t figure out his reason for marrying a woman who is close to death unless…unless he loved her. Could that simply be it?

“Claudia—my late wife—was important to me,” Kirei told her using a tone that disguised something else was at work. “I married her for that.”

Rin can’t help but press on. “Why was she important to you?”

“She helped me,” Kirei tersely replied.

“Oh, so it was just because of gratitude?” Rin narrowed her eyes. “You owed her so marrying her was just compensation?”

Kirei’s shoulders noticeably stiffened. She must have struck a chord. Unable to control herself now, she kept going, “You said she was sick all her life so does that mean you had to play nurse to her during the entire marriage? Does that mean you never got to consummate on your honeymoon either? Was she always bed-rested, heavily medicated, that sort of thing? Maybe she was a good conversationalist, and you like that about her? But I don’t imagine you talking to someone who may have to need constant rest and is tired all the time. She helped you, you said—with what? Maybe you didn’t want to become a priest so marrying her was a way not to make your vows. Is that what you meant? But she’s going to die so you’ll probably have to go back to church…is that why you decided to learn magecraft instead? Is that your personal reason—”

Kirei finally cut her off. His tone was devoid of any irritation but it was clear to Rin that he didn’t appreciate her line of questioning.

“Rin,” he said, “It’s not polite to prod on someone else’s private business.”

She scoffed dismissively, leaning back on her chair and swinging her legs. “Maybe I’m complicating things.”

“You tend to do that,” Kirei remarked, smirking at her.

She frowned and then pushed herself off the chair. Rin glanced at him pointedly and said, “The simple answer may be this: she is important to you because she helped you. She helped you by making you realize that you’re capable of feelings after all.” She pulled the hem of her skirt a little bit as she looked at him in the eye and said blankly, “You loved your wife. And that’s why you married her. You didn’t’ care if she was dying. You had to be with her even if it meant losing her in the end.”

Hearing her explain that sounded logical, but that is if Kirei was not part of the equation. If it was any other man, she would have believed him capable of loving a woman who would expire one day due to an illness. But this was Kirei. Rin had suspected over the years that he was… _hollow_. When she looked at his eyes like this, she couldn’t read him no matter how hard she tried. And the only explanation she accepted was because a hollow person doesn’t have a personality. He doesn’t have feelings or thoughts that another person can understand.

 

 

 

 **+++**  

 

It’s funny that Rin would think of that memory now while she was on her knees, trying to swallow down the length of Kirei’s cock.

“Don’t try so hard if you can’t do it,” he told her for the second time.

Rin pulled her mouth off him just so she can scold him again. “I know what I’m doing, okay?”

Kirei shook his head. “If you do then you wouldn’t be struggling.”

“Practice makes perfect, asshole,” she busied herself jerking off his shaft as they talked, keeping a slow rhythm.

“I don’t think I care for that uncouth language, Rin.”

“It sucks to be you then,” she stuck out her tongue. Normally, it was to be juvenile but she actually did it now so she can flick it at the tip of his cock before she swirled it around that base. Her fingers encircled around his shaft with more pressure as she tried to swallow him down again. She breathed through her nose and focused on hollowing out her cheeks to make room for it. Her other hand pressed against the lovely contour of his abdominal muscles, unable to stop herself from tracing them every now and then.

Once Rin could feel him pressing at the back of her throat again, she willed herself not to choke. Instead, she pushed her mouth forward to further envelope his flesh, sliding her tongue across the shaft. She tasted the saltiness of his pre-come which now spread on his shaft, and she whimpered when she realized just how _real_ everything was right now.

She was indeed performing fellatio on a man she had every reason to hate. He was heavy and turgid against her tongue. It made her head spin, further intensified by the fact that she’s starting to lose air in her lungs. Rin had no choice but to pull away but not after sparing two more seconds when she successfully gulped the rest of him down at last. Her face must have looked triumphant afterwards because Kirei was chuckling at her expression. She rolled her eyes at him, saying, “Don’t get so arrogant, fake priest!”

“I’m not the one looking so satisfied here, Rin.” Kirei leaned comfortably against the couch as if his cock was a separate entity from the rest of his body. There was only light perspiration on his skin, making it seem as if he remained entirely detached from what was going on underneath him. It frustrated Rin that he could be so calm even during a carnal encounter.

Meanwhile, she could feel herself warm and drenched; the stickiness of her clinging to her cotton panties. There was a dull yet persistent ache in her passage that seemed to be signalling her brain to find a way to quench the need for something to fill her to the brim. Rin was getting restless because of it, and Kirei seemed to understand what was ailing her because he said, “Come up here…”

“No,” she said, gritting her teeth as her nipples felt sore against her shirt. “I’m not yet done doing what I want to do to you.”

“As much as that would be fun for me too,” Kirei’s voice couldn’t have sounded more disinterested, “I think it’s more urgent that I satisfy you.”

“Shut up, you smug jerk!” Rin ripped herself away from the floor and glared down at him. “How can _you_ satisfy _me_?”

“I wasn’t always a priest,” he merely remarked. “I was a married man too.”

“But—” Rin’s cheeks felt hot, and so was her neck. “You’ve never—I mean, your wife was sickly all the time—”

“I’ve consummated the marriage,” Kirei answered. “A few times.” He smiled as soon as he said that.

 _Why did that sound so filthy?_ She clenched her fists to the side, determined to hold her ground, but she was also leaning closer until Kirei was able to reach for her waist and have her knees press on either of his sides on the couch. She looked down on him in this position, trying to assume confidence, but when Kirei tugged down the garter of her panties, she can’t help but violently squirm in his grasp. Annoyed by her immaturity, Rin tore herself away from Kirei once more so she can properly—if not with a surly expression on her face—yank down her panties from her ankles and just toss it blindly away. Kirei just shook his head in amusement, and then pulled her closer again. Rin tried to ignore the fact that she was exposed _down there_ , and that Kirei’s fingers were probing her yet again. His digits slid easily through the soaked passage, and Rin bit down a moan that threatened to make her convulse. Instead, her hands gripped him by his hair, raking her fingers through his scalp.

“I need you to raise yourself up,” Kirei explained, “…and position your groin on my face so I can—”

“WHAT?!” she thundered, trying to get away from him as he tried to guide her into doing exactly what he was instructing.

“Would it be better if I lie on the couch and you sit on my face?” he asked her as if he was merely inquiring about her day at school.

“I don’t want you to do that!” she protested as she pushed him back against the couch.

“Okay,” Kirei nodded curtly. “Then only this…?” He started moving his fingers inside her in a thorough, agonizingly slow way.  It felt _so_ good. Rin immediately felt like she could dissolve into another human being by just the command of his touch; to immerse herself fully into experiencing the pleasure that her body craved for since discovering her own desires not long ago. And Kirei was here—admittedly, she would think of him often at night when she tried bringing herself to orgasm, and it made her shameful and disgusted that she can’t think of another male to get off to. But now he was _here_ , so tangible and _firm_ and willing to provide her with the chance to know what exactly makes her unravel. Would he take the time figuring out what makes her blood boil and her toes curl? Would he be that kind of lover—attentive down to the very last detail?

As he probed deeper and deeper into her core, Rin was beginning to get weak _everywhere_. Her fevered state was overriding the rest of her senses. It’s as if she became clay that he was molding into a different person. She would literally do anything he would ask of her right now as long as he continued to touch her the way he does—especially by teasing the nub in her core with his thumb, pushing against it repeatedly as if it were a button. Kirei’s other hand was pressed against one of her breasts, fondling it against her shirt. Rin was a bit insecure about the smallness of her breasts, but the moment his fingers made contact—circling a thumb lightly over her nipple, her entire body began go haywire, even with clothing separating them. She was panting so hard as if she had no control of her breathing whatsoever.

 _This is too much. He’s playing me like an instrument_. Suddenly, she became fearful of what surrendering control to him could entail.

“Goddamn you!” she ended up screaming as she pushed his hand away and tried to jump out of the couch. “Why are you so _good_ at this!?”

“Try to relax, Rin. It’s not as if I was hurting you.” Kirei held her by the wrist to keep her in place. His eyes looked almost _alive_.  That disarmed her more than anything. “For someone so smug earlier, you’re surely giving up so easily.  I thought you wanted to do this. And aren’t you the kind of girl who would go through anything as long as she had made up her mind about it?”

“You’re such a condescending pervert!” Rin tried pulling away from his grip, refusing to let him win the argument. “I’m not backing away from this, but if we’re going to have sex then it has to be _on my terms_ , do you hear me, Kirei?” She glared at him as sharply as she could. “Now I’d rather suck you off again. I mean, most guys would like that, so why are you so eager to…to…”

“I believe the term you’re looking for is ‘cunnilingus’, Rin.” Kirei was smiling again in that stupidly abrasive way he does, “And I could ask you the same thing; wouldn’t you rather receive oral sex than give it?” He lowered the tone of his voice now, making his deep tone seemed richer as he added, “I’d rather lick you until you explode in my mouth rather than the other way around. Wouldn’t you want that too, Rin?”

“STOP!” came her panicked plea. Her heart felt as if it had just dropped out of her chest the moment he spoke those words. “Why would you say something _dirty_ like that?” _And why is it turning me on?  God, I hate you!_

“But isn’t that what you intended to do to me?” Kirei laughed now as his stance relaxed and he loosened his grip on her wrist. “I think it makes you angry that I’m trying to outmaneuver you with your own game. And given that I have more experience than you in this area, then surely you could see the disparity in our skill alone, yes?” His smile widened. It made her want to punch him!

Rin huffed and crossed her arms together. “Enthusiasm and an openness to learn new things can trump age and experience!"

Kirei just stared at her, his eyes glistening with that unmistakable sardonic bemusement. “So you want to bank on that then?”

“But of course!” she stomped her foot for emphasis.

That earned a chuckle from him. “You’re obviously still a child in many ways.”

She doesn’t like him commenting on their age gap, especially if it was to point out her immaturity.  Rin took a step forward as she scolded him. “Shut up, Kirei! Like that would ever stop you from trying to fuck me! Hypocrite!”

Now his eyes widened an inch. “I told you before that you should watch your uncouth language, Rin Tohsaka.”

“I’d say whatever I want, you fake priest!” Rin tried to shove him back on the couch by reaching for him with both hands. She couldn’t have anticipated what happened next. Hindsight is a bitch that way. Kirei had grabbed hold of both her arms as he easily turned her body around, slamming her into the other couch.  He used only one hand to cross her arms together behind her back clasping them in an iron grip, while the other picked up her legs so he can push them up the couch as well. She was too shocked to make a move for a whole minute until she felt Kirei’s hardness pressing near her buttocks. She tried to wriggle free but realized that he had always been far too strong. Panic swelled in her chest; all her posturing earlier was immediately stripped from her, and she felt exactly her age in that moment. 

But Rin would not beg. She would bluff her way out of this no matter what it cost.

To her respite, Kirei began speaking in a hushed tone. “Like I said, I won’t hurt you. I’ll let you go as soon as you promise you’re going to do exactly what I say from here on.” His breath was hot against her ear. His weight rested on top of her in an alarming way that should have made her scared, but Rin actually felt her core drip with more of that stickiness, soaking her inner thighs. She was just about to wish that Kirei won’t find out about it, but then one of his hands was gone from her arms. She breathed out a sigh of relief and tried to push her hands into the couch’s ledge when she felt Kirei’s hand was now at the back of her thighs, trying to spread them. She found herself bucking into the touch instead of wriggling away. In doing so, her knees burrowed into the couch and Kirei was able to slide his hand between her thighs.

Rin held her breath the moment the slickness of her skin made contact with his cool, steady fingers. “You have two choices,” he said, “Either you face front and lie on your back, or you stay like this. Whatever you choose, I’d still put my mouth on you and make you come.”

Rin scoffed in mild irritation as she adjusted her position and faced forward. She made sure she slightly kicked Kirei on his stomach.

“If you don’t make good on your promise,” she warned him, “I’m going to make you regret it!”

Kirei just chuckled and leaned down to press a kiss on her mouth. Rin parted her lips and sucked on his tongue the moment it slithered in. This wasn’t a kiss so she made sure it had to be brutal. That’s why she gave him a little bite on his lower lip until she could taste something coppery. He seemed to like that because he only licked away the blood the moment he pulled away. Rin was going to say something contrary again, but then he gripped her by the hips with purposeful pressure on her skin. She got caught up watching him lower himself slowly, maintaining eye contact with her all the way through until his face reached her awaiting and very drenched center.

It’s good to know Kirei has found another use for his tongue since he barely exercises that muscle for conversation.

As for Rin, there were just no words to describe it, and she had a perfectly excellent vocabulary in three languages (Japanese, English and German). The fake priest—this loathsome, bland man she had to live with over the years—had seized her thighs now and lifted her legs over his shoulders, hooking the back of her knees in place as he journeyed into the nucleus of her very being. She gripped the throw pillows on either side of her head and willed herself not to dismantle. Layers of sweat have covered her eyelids and cheeks, making it almost hard to flutter her eyes open to look down. It’s not as if she’d want to watch him pleasure her; she’d rather not. All she focused on was that mouth; how it moved with precision and intent, his lips and tongue engulfing her insides as if that was the only reason they were made in the first place. There was even a playful scrape of teeth which almost made her jump out of her bones, but it was a welcome contrast to the rough flickers of his tongue that whirled specifically on that tiny precious nub where all her vulnerability was stored. She was panting hard again as her hands began kneading her own breasts, slightly angry that they weren’t big enough to fill her palms. Rin still didn’t open her eyes, afraid that tears might flow out.

It was over too soon. She only remembered bits and pieces; how she clamped down around him and let it all go; how the muscles of her limbs strained all around her. She felt like she was getting the cramps; only the prickling sensation didn’t hurt. Rin must have uttered a curse word that was not Japanese but she was beyond caring. She was rubbery and floating somewhere in space. Her mind was blank for what seemed like an endless stretch of blinking lights behind her eyes. Rin forgot who she was, and for a brief moment it wasn’t the worst thing in the world. She happily crumbled into a sweltering mess of endorphins and come, free for the first time from her obligation and secret dread for the future.

But it was still just a brief moment. When she opened her eyes, Kirei was hovering above her, inspecting her with those same blank eyes.

“You should wash yourself,” he said. “Then come back downstairs for dinner.”

“You’re…” Rin blinked rapidly at him as she tried to gather her breath back, “You’re…such a—a dick.”

Kirei didn’t offer any comment. He only stood up to pick up the rest of their clothing. He tossed hers to her lap and began putting on his pants.

“So,” she sat up slowly, taking her time. “That’s it?”

“Yes,” he answered, barely looking at her. “We can’t actually do more.”

“What do you mean?” Rin was annoyed, much to her surprise. “I was still going to suck you off.”

“Your enthusiasm is noted, Rin.” Kirei grabbed the towel and handed it to her, possibly to clean herself up.

She ended up throwing it back at him. “Why do you have to be such a mean jerk about this?!”

“I’m not,” he held her gaze sternly. “But realistically it should be a few more years before something… _penetrative_ should happen between us.”

The term made her cheeks color. As soon as he said it, her eyes traveled down his crotch. He was still hard! The creases on his pants drew attention to it. Why doesn’t he just let her return the favor? The heat she felt between her legs was still strong. Angrily, she shot at him. “I offered you oral sex too, moron! Don’t be such a martyr and let me pleasure you too! God, why do you have to be so self-effacing?!”

Kirei stared at her for a while. Rin glared back, making sure he knew that she would not stand for this disrespect. Did he think she was incapable of pleasuring him just because she was inexperienced? She’s Rin Tohsaka, dammit!

To her shock, he actually caved in and said, “Very well.” He walked closer, facing her there on the couch, as he unzipped his pants and took out his erection. Rin parted her lips upon seeing it. She could hardly believe he was able to maintain his composure when it was obvious he was so turned on. The head of his cock was glistening and red, practically ready to burst.

A hungry thought crossed her mind: _What would it feel like if Kirei exploded in my mouth?_

Making up her mind then, Rin reached out for his hardness and didn’t hesitate swallowing its length without any preamble. Kirei seemed to be just as tired of bullshitting around because his hand ended up at the back of her head instantly, urging her to keep going. Rin hollowed out her cheeks and remembered her earlier success as she attempted yet again to take him fully to the back of her throat. She slicked his shaft with her tongue while it was lodged inside, focusing on slowly, _slowly_ easing all of it in.

Once she felt the base hit the back of her throat, Rin held it in position, testing her gag reflex. _Don’t choke, don’t choke_ , she told herself.

Kirei’s hips moved then as he backed out of her mouth slowly. He was only really halfway out when he began to thrust back inside. Rin realized what he wanted to do so she stayed still as both of her hands found their way on his hips to prepare herself. He moved more earnestly now but with caution, sliding in and out of her mouth with shallow thrusts. Rin had her eyes closed now, meeting his movements with her own, minding his rhythm. Soon they were in perfect sync, and Rin’s center was once again wet and aching beneath her. She decided to open her eyes now and steal a glimpse at Kirei above her. The fake priest was… _staring down at her the entire time._

She almost lost her concentration. The heated gaze, hooded by his back against the light from the ceiling—Rin had never seen him look less of the man she believed to be boring since she was a kid, and has now become someone she actually found desirable.

There was a dangerous streak to that epiphany. It left Rin hungry between her legs, eager to be filled by the thick, hard length that was still in her mouth. She couldn’t suppress a moan now, especially since Kirei began sliding into her mouth with more force, with the base of his cock hitting the back of her throat once, twice, thrice—until she lost count and ended up closing her eyes again so she can savor the heavy, persistent sensation of him buried down her throat. Seconds later, he plunged deeper and almost scraped her vocal chords, making her choke on the hot, wet burst of his completion as it flooded her mouth. She held it down though, and swallowed all of it as fast as she could, ignoring its sharp bitterness. Kirei didn’t pull out immediately as he watched her expression contort below him. He seemed to like that she was struggling to keep swallowing. With an uncharacteristic gracefulness, he finally pulled out, actually taking the time to make sure it didn’t hurt her.

A rather thick string of come and saliva followed as soon as he disengaged from her mouth. Rin immediately wiped it with the towel, unable to bear the filthiness of the aftermath. But the taste of him lingered, making her twitch in her core.

Was this how it would feel like once Kirei was embedded inside her?

The fake priest was chuckling as he patted her head, consolingly—in a _fatherly_ way that made Rin whipped her head away. She felt almost dirty thinking about such a dumb association. Her gaze hardened towards him as she pushed herself away from the couch so she can stand. She kept rubbing her mouth with the towel as hard as she could.

“That was remarkable, Rin,” he fucking _complimented_ her as if cocksucking was just another scholarly accomplishment.

But she was unfazed. “Now I hope that means you won’t ever underestimate me again when it comes to these things.”

Kirei nodded almost sagely. "But of course. You have always been an outstanding student. I look forward to what you can do next."

Rin was quiet as she put on the rest of her clothes. Her jaw was unusually sore and the back of her throat certainly feel like it’s going to be a little hard to swallow food for a day or so, but other than that, everything was just _peachy_. Kirei was also already dressed, and was just picking up the throw pillows that have fallen to the floor when she asked him, "So...are you serious about the no-penetration thing until...?"

"A few more years, yes," Kirei succinctly replied, barely glancing at her.

_Who cares if I’m only fourteen? Why should that stop him from fucking me?_

"But..." Rin watched Kirei walk off as if he was getting ready to climb up the stairs. She hesitantly inquired, "We can still do oral again, right?"

She asked because she wasn’t satisfied being a passive receiver earlier while she was blowing him. Rin wanted to do more.

Kirei paused to look back at her. With a smile, he said. "Yes. After all, you look rather cute with a mouthful of cock."

A pause. Both of them stood still, expression devoid of any emotion. Kirei, especially, looked serene. Because of that, it took Rin awhile to register what he just said. When she finally did, she sprang into action and yelled:

"YOU GODDAMN PERVERT, FAKE PRIEST ASSHOLE!" Her face was so hot as she picked up a pillow and threw it at his direction. Kirei caught it easily. He must have been laughing because his shoulders were trembling slightly as he covered his face with the pillow.

She ran towards Kirei and pushed him away from blocking her pathway so she can get to the stairs, ignoring the fact that it was stupidly childish to just run away like that. When she got to her room, she shut the door as loud as she can and then collapsed into the bed, pulling at her undergarments blindly so she can begin fingering herself in a crazed daze. The relief was instant.

Rin swore another circle of hell was created right there and then, and she was its very first captive.

 

 

 

 

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

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